What is one quality that an awesome relative and someone who’s good at innovating have in common? (By the way, it’s a trait that good consultants, physicians, and many other professionals also share.) The answer: listening.

Even though listening is very important, most of us are not that good at it. The reason is that it is really, really hard. Listening means fully tuning into the other person and letting go of our prejudices and snap judgments. Real listening is about being curious and present to the other person.

One of our greatest strengths is our ability to see patterns and derive meaning from them. That’s why it’s so hard – or even impossible – for computers to read a captcha (i.e., these funky letter drawings on webpages where we have to copy the letters to show that we’re a human). Yet our strength to understand patterns is also our greatest obstacle to listening (and to innovation): as soon as we “see” the pattern, we limit our perception to confirm what we already see, making it difficult to see something different.

For instance, take a look at the image to the right. You either see one face behind a mask or two kissing faces. As soon as our mind recognizes one of these images, many of us lock in this interpretation, and we stop trying to see anything different. Yet, when we look carefully, we can identify the other interpretation of the image. The same is true when we listen carefully – without making snap judgements, allowing our inner voice to put a label on what we hear, or thinking “I’ve heard it before.” When we truly listen, we open ourselves to so much more.

From our daily experience, we know that listening is hard. Here is the good news: it is possible to get better at it. We can become better listeners – and, in the process, become more open and more present. So, how can we do it? With a lot of practice! We can learn to overcome our biggest listening barriers and instead be fully present, curious, and open.

Reflect on the last Thanksgiving and the conversations where you weren’t listening well. Then think of ways of how you could have handled a conversation differently. Now, prepare for the upcoming holiday season, when you’ll meet the next round of (obnoxious) relatives and have an opportunity to put your listening skills to the test.

Make it real

This week, practice your listening skills and see what happens when you manage to listen for longer. When you catch yourself making a mental judgement, put your inner voice in its right place by telling it, “Thank you for sharing your opinion. I will now listen to the other person again.” Keep listening, especially when unbearable Aunt Jane does her best to trigger you. Here are some responses you can use:

• “You seem to have a strong point of view on this. What led you to this?”
• “Sounds like this is important to you. Say more about this.”
• “Interesting perspective. What else do you think about this.”
• “We are really at other ends of the spectrum on this. I’d love to learn more about what got you there.”
• “Hm…really?”

We’d love to hear from you about what other phrases work for you. What keeps your ego in check and helps you focus on the other person? Send us a note…