A couple of weeks ago, I went out to dinner with a group of friends. We knew each other pretty well and had shared some very personal stuff in the past. So, it promised to be an evening with a lot of sharing, among other things. At some point, one of my friends—let’s call her Darcy—started talking for the first time about her parents’ divorce. She described trying to understand her parents’ relationship today, after many years of them being divorced, and what it might be like in that situation.
As she was talking, I thought about whether I should share something about my own divorce and relationship with my ex. It would have been something big— something I had not shared with them before. But my thoughts lingered on “How would they interpret this?” “How would they react?” and “Would it change what they think about me afterward?” I was trying to predict their response, and my attempt to read their minds caused me to hesitate.
As I was contemplating this, Darcy suddenly changed the topic and took the conversation in a different direction. It seemed to me that the door for me to share something personal had closed.
A couple of days later, Darcy sent me an email. She told me that I had looked uncomfortable when she spoke about her divorced parents. She hadn’t wanted to cause any discomfort and therefore changed the topic. Similarly, she had tried to read my mind, and her interpretation of what I might be thinking became the reason for her action.
We had both tried to read each other’s mind, and the consequence was that we missed an opportunity to share personal stories and build a stronger relationship.
Landmark Worldwide calls this being in the “world of reason.” We are full of considerations and predictions for what might happen as a consequence of our actions. In reality, though, we can’t really know how others will react. Nonetheless, we lose ourselves in worrying what might happen or what the other person might think or say. The result: we remain stuck in those considerations, we don’t take action, and—worst of all—we tell ourselves that we made that decision for someone else’s sake.
Let’s shift to a different context: this “mind reading” does not just happen in personal settings. It happens in a professional context as well. Here’s something a colleague of mine wrote to me recently about a conversation with a potential client: “My interpretation is she would not respond well to a hard sell.” First, no one responds well to a hard sell. More importantly, interpreting how a client might respond bears the risk that we don’t take action, resulting in a lost opportunity.
If we want to get unstuck—if we want to break through the repeat cycles of the same experiences, we need to cut through this. We need to get out of the “world of reason” and become “unreasonable.”
This doesn’t mean performing callous, stupid, or irresponsible acts. It just means doing what we know is right and doing it without worrying about how it will be interpreted by someone else.
Going back to my first story, what might have happened if we had instead taken a small step? Well, me sharing a bit about my story and her asking me what was going on – and building a stronger relationship.
Take the Next Step
Pay attention to moments when you try to anticipate someone else’s reaction or when you believe you know how someone will react. Notice what impact it has on your actions. Does it stop you? Don’t allow this to happen. Either take action or ask a question to assess your interpretation.